


Remember This

by sobering_stairs



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Gay, Give Elsa A Girlfriend (Disney), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Female Character, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Elsa (Disney), Movie: Frozen 2 (2019)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 15:50:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21079361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sobering_stairs/pseuds/sobering_stairs
Summary: Who knows at this point all I know is it's depressing and gay.





	Remember This

**Author's Note:**

> I read through this once and called it proofreading so I sincerely apologize if there are mistakes, but what are you gonna do.

When Elsa was a little girl, she loved taking in the beautiful sights around her. Wherever she went, whether it was a far away land covered in glistening sand or the same old palace garden she played in every day, something exquisite always caught her eye and she would stop and stare, committing it to memory. The last time she did that was the night of The Accident.

It was late, sleep still heavy on her eyes, but she never had been able to resist the pleas of her little sister. Her snow was drifting down around them, gently settling on the castle floor and enlarging the sizes of the mounds with Elsa’s every breath. Right before it happened, time itself froze, and Elsa smiled at the sight of Anna, hair flying behind her, grinning from ear to ear, completely trusting her big sister to protect her. Until what came next, the moment that changed everything, Elsa trusted herself to do that, too- and then everything fell apart. Her snowflakes grew larger, spinning down around them; ice shot out from every agonizing howl burning in her throat; her powers were out of control for the first time in her life and her world came crumbling down, for that was the moment she thought she had killed her sister.

The first night she had to fall asleep on her own was the hardest. It seemed as if her sister had always been there, the possibility of being awoken in the middle of the night to play always present, and she had not anticipated how difficult it would be to fall asleep without it. Not long after finally drifting off, she woke up shivering for the first time in her life; not from cold but from fright.

As the days turned into weeks which flowed into months and finally solidified as years, she felt as if she would shatter if she had to ignore her sister’s calls one more time; what she never expected was not needing to ignore them any longer. Only when her sister stopped knocking did Elsa stop marking the days on her bed-frame and started marking up and down her arms instead, and even then she eventually ran out of room.

On a particularly lonely afternoon, as the soon-to-be-queen watched the Sun tiptoe across the sky, she cursed herself for not committing more of her sister’s smiles to memory, because those fleeting remembrances and ever-so-cruel dreams of how things used to be were all she had to comfort herself with during the thirteen years she spent isolated from the world. It was not until several years later that she allowed herself to take in the gorgeous sights around her once more; after all, it was hard to appreciate the beauty around her when she could not see the beauty in herself.

* * *

Somewhere in the Enchanted Forest, Several Years Later

“You have a lovely voice.” Elsa shyly shrugs out of Honeymaren’s gaze, struggling to keep her typically cool cheeks from prickling under the warmth of the woman’s compliment. They are sitting on a surprisingly comfortable log in front of a surprisingly hot fire, if Elsa’s flushed cheeks are anything to go by.

“Thanks…” Elsa smiles, temporarily allowing herself to forget where she is and who she is in the presence of. “I mean, thank you. So do you. Do you sing often?” A deep, smooth, rich chuckle comes from deep inside the brunette’s throat, catching the Queen off guard. “What’s so funny?” When the other woman takes a second to respond, Elsa lets out a self-conscious giggle, something she thought she had stopped doing long ago.

“Oh, nothing, it’s just that you talk so formally. I mean you’re the queen, shouldn’t I be the one biting my tongue and sitting up straighter?” The flames, crackling on behind them, give Elsa a much-needed distraction from the constant eye contact with the alluring woman who makes a good point.

“Perhaps you’re right,” she pauses, pretending to pick her next words carefully as an excuse to watch the shadows dance across Honeymaren’s face. “Maybe you should talk to me how I was talking to you. I am the Queen, you said it yourself,” Elsa teases, eliciting another chuckle from Honeymaren, her shoulders bouncing and her face forming the most genuine smile. Elsa hears a voice deep inside, urging her to _remember this, remember this, remember this_. And so, not one to repeat past mistakes, Elsa looks for just a little while longer, doing what she can to make the moment she thinks will inevitably leave her last.

“Is that what you want me to do, Your Majesty?” She dramatically bows her head, only letting a few self-satisfied snickers escape from the inside. While Elsa laughs along, she shakes her head,

“No,” she admits, “it’s not.” She keeps her eyes steady, waiting for the brunette to meet them.

“Then what do you want?” Honeymaren asks, and Elsa hopes the temperature drop is only noticeable to the suddenly died-down fire.

“I don’t know,” she all but whispers, suddenly all too aware of the space between them. “But I think you’re a part of figuring that out.”

* * *

As she walks through the forest, ice cloak gently brushing against the crisp leaves, boots turning the brittle ones to dust, Elsa hums a wordless melody that only she knows. She cannot explain it, but she feels light, as if she could climb the tallest tree and jump without fear, as if she trusts herself to fly. _Remember this, remember this feeling, remember this before it is gone._ Although years have passed since she revealed her powers to her kingdom and, because of what she believes is a miracle, was not shunned, she still finds herself waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the next bad thing to happen that will separate her from her kingdom, herself, and most importantly, her family. Today, though, that burden is much lighter, and Elsa is standing tall when Anna runs into her.

“Elsa! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Where have you been?” It takes Anna’s sister a moment to gather her thoughts and respond, and when she does, Anna is already buzzing with some newfound excitement.

“Anna, why do you have that look on your face? The last time you looked like that you were trying to set Sven up with that other reindeer, and we both know how that ended.” Too excited to acknowledge that snarky remark, Anna asks,

“Elsa, why do you look so bubbly?” Before Elsa can even open her mouth to say that she most definitely does not look bubbly, Anna answers her own question, “Elsa… did you meet someone?” This time Elsa reacts, an involuntary gasp escaping her lips, her mouth a gentle ‘o’, too shocked to be fierce.

“What? No! Of course not!” She shakes her head to further support her point, unconsciously beginning to pace. Her sister’s eyes follow her as she walks, amusement wrinkling them at the sides.

“No? Then why are you snowing?” The Queen looks around her, watching the flurries chase each other as they drift, falling faster with each second and collecting in a pillow around her boots. _You didn’t meet anyone, you’re just happy you finally made a friend is all. A friend with no history or past worries, who you can be yourself around. This is normal._ But in her heart, where she feels her fears settling, colder than her ice, she thinks otherwise. She knows otherwise. _You need to leave._

“Anna, I have to go,” she uncharacteristically mutters, stepping back, already feeling the weight of her actions wedging itself between them. “I can’t talk about this with you,” she says, firmer this time, harsher than she means it. When Anna’s face falls and all the joy fades from it, Elsa is reminded of The Accident all those years ago, and she cannot bear it. _All of this because you’re different. Again. Why can’t you just be normal?_ She steps to leave but Anna beats her to it, turning on her heel and storming away through the trees, not bothering to look back.

* * *

After many sleepless nights, months and months ago, Anna finally got Elsa to break the habit of concealing and not feeling. It was a wearisome journey, one that had its fair share of setbacks, but the first time the Queen waved away the snow cloud her stressful day had caused without berating herself with her mantra created a memory for each member of the royal family to cherish forever. Now, as Elsa loiters along the outskirts of camp, she turns to the familiar words for comfort.

“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show,” she mumbles as she walks, trying to force her emotions back in, for this is not an issue ice skating and free snow cones can solve; rather, it is one woven deep into the very fabric of her soul, unfixable no matter how hard she wishes it away. And through it all she thinks of Anna, of how she deserves better than a sister who sprang one abnormality on her and would not dare tell her the other out of fear that it is too horrible to forgive. _Why did you have to do this? Why couldn’t you just have been normal?_ “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show. Conceal-” A rustling in the brush disturbs her, and a head of flaming hair emerges not long after.

“Elsa, you’ve been gone all night! I’ve been worried sick about you! Where have you been?” Anna rushes over to her, still wearing her clothes from the night before.

“Anna? You’re not mad?” Elsa wearily takes in the sight of her sister, slowly making her way towards her.

“Why would you say that? Of course I’m mad! But you’re my sister first, infuriating as you can be, and I was worried about you.” She pauses, taking in Elsa’s distraught face and clenched fists held anxiously at her sides. “Where have you been?” Her voice takes on a softer tone as she steps and takes her sister’s hands in her own. “Are you alright? Why were you saying… that?” A thought hits her, and a wave of worry washes over the princess. “This isn’t because of what I said, is it? About you snowing? Because I promise I didn’t mean anything by that, I just meant it as a joke, I should have known that it wasn’t okay and I’m sor-” Elsa interrupts by squeezing the younger woman’s hands, the understanding of what she has to do settling in the pit of her stomach like a stone, weighing her down and confining her to the reality of the situation. _She could hate you. She could call you a disgrace and turn you away, and you would deserve it. You’ve already thrown her one curveball, she doesn’t deserve another one._ The Queen sighs, gently shaking her head to clear it. _It doesn’t matter. She deserves the truth._ _You can’t let her believe this is her fault. Not again._

“It isn’t about me snowing, or even about my powers at all.” Anna lets out an audible sigh of relief before asking the dreaded question,

“Well, then what is it?”_ Just tell her._ Elsa’s arms burn with her past regrets, urging her not to repeat her mistakes, for their sake, and just tell her sister the truth.

“Anna, I-” Her eyes flicker around nervously, scanning over the endless trees, not focusing on any of them. “I have to tell you something,” she whispers, voice thick with uncertainty.

“Anything!” Her sister reassures, her past insecurities vanished, every fiber of her being focused on helping her sister.

“Can we take a walk?” She begs, feeling trapped standing in only one place.

“Of course we can. Lead the way.” They walk in silence, accompanied only by the crunching of leaves, the occasional squirrel scurrying past in front of them, and Anna’s breath clouding in front of her, a result of Elsa’s accidental chill. When they near a gentle decline in the woods which meets the mouth of a throne-like boulder, Elsa comes to a stop. Her frost is already crawling over the gray rock, creating a delicate film she would be quite proud of in another circumstance.

“Anna, what does it feel like when you’re with Kristoff?” Anna sputters, clearly not expecting this from her sister, and quirks her eyebrow up in confusion.

“That’s what you wanted to talk about?” She asks, unsure if she should be relieved or concerned.

“No, I-” Elsa pauses, choosing her next words carefully, “I mean, what was it like when you first met Kristoff? Or, since that was a... tricky situation, when you first thought you might… you know… have feelings for him?” Anna’s face lights up once more, both at the possibility of her sister in love and at the thought of her boyfriend.

“Well, it all sort of happened at once, except it snuck up behind me in bursts, too. Throughout our journey to see you, he and I couldn’t get along. At first, it was genuine, but after a little while, we only bickered to hear each other’s voices. And when you struck- when I wasn’t doing well, he was by my side through all of it. I didn’t think much of it, I was engaged to Hans after all, but I can still taste my disappointment when I realized I would have to go back, because even though I didn’t know it, Kristoff was who I wanted. It’s hard, wanting the wrong person.” Elsa nods at that, brain gears turning.

“I think I know what you mean,” she whispers, more to herself than to Anna, and retreats into herself once more.

“You do?” Anna asks, more withdrawn this time as to not scare her sister off. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?” Elsa nods, slowly resting her weight against the boulder and forcing her nails to leave her arm. Anna looks at her patiently, her eyes lit with curiosity.

“I think there’s something wrong with me,” Elsa’s voice cracks with the effort to hold back her tears. “I think there’s something wrong with me!” She shouts this time, the breaking of the dam in her mind flooding her body with panic. With her anxiety comes the ice, shooting out underneath her feet and covering the forest floor for as far as either of them can see. She surrounds them with a dark cloud of snow, its swirling a visual representation of the turmoil in her soul. Anna instantly lunges forward, ignoring her frostbitten fingers and tightly wrapping her arms around her sister’s trembling frame.

“You’re okay, it’s okay! There’s nothing wrong with you!” She squeezes her tighter, giving affirmations one after another. Elsa hugs her back, clinging to her as if she will never be able to again. After all, she is not entirely sure that her sister will want her anywhere near her after she tells her this.

“Anna, I don’t think I want a relationship with a man,” she blurts out, giving herself two more seconds of her sister’s comfort before forcing herself to pull away.

“Oh…” Anna begins, shifting her weight from foot to foot. “Well, that’s okay. I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable by talking about it when you aren’t ready. I know how hard it is for you to let people in, and I understand you not being ready for a relationship.”

“No, you’re missing my point,” Elsa says, eyes glued to the ground. “What I mean is… I’m not ready for a relationship right now, or at least I don’t think I am, but when I am ready, my relationship won’t be…” she pauses, giving herself one last chance to get out of this. _Stop it! What are you doing? You’re going to ruin everything. You’re being so selfish._ Anna reaches forward and takes one of Elsa’s hands in both of her own, squeezing it as reassurance. She takes a deep breath before continuing, “any relationship I have, it won’t be with a man.” Forcing herself to look up, Elsa wraps her arms around herself as protection for what she fears she will see in her sister’s face. Anna simply stares back at her sister, no discernible emotion in her eyes. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Elsa nervously adds, “Anna, I’m trying to tell you that I’m…” she clears her throat of its tears, “... a lesbian.” Nothing. No gasp, no words, not even the sound of a bird fluttering through the trees can be heard. To Elsa, it all feels flat. Static. Empty. “Anna?” She breaks the silence, the not knowing worse than anything she could have imagined. And then, everything happens at once; an owl is heard hooting in the distance, Anna lets out a delighted squeak, and the warmth of her smile is enough to melt the icy result of Elsa’s panic.

“I love you so much,” Anna gushes, ignoring the tears flowing from her eyes, “and I’m so proud of you.” Completely overwhelmed by her emotions, Elsa shakes her head in disbelief.

“You’re not disappointed?” She asks, allowing herself to be hopeful for the first time since this ordeal began.

“Disappointed? Elsa- you are my big sister and my best friend in the whole world. You’re smart, and stubborn, and sassy, and you are the strongest, most special person I know. There has never been anything wrong with you, and I don’t see why who you love could possibly change that. Now come here,” she pulls her sister to her, noticing how the Queen relaxes in her arms.

“Thank you,” Elsa sobs, trying to understand what she did to deserve such a wonderful sister. “Thank you,” she repeats, pulling her closer. They stay like that for an indefinite amount of time, Elsa shedding all of the tears she has never let fall, Anna quite literally being her shoulder to cry on.

“You know, you really have nothing to thank me for,” Anna points out, slowly leaning back so they can have this conversation face-to-face. “It isn’t like this is some horrible thing I’m a saint for accepting. Being gay is completely normal, and I want you to know that.” Elsa squirms slightly, not convinced. Anna continues, “We both know and love Oaken, and he’s raising a family with his husband!”

“That’s different,” she scoffs, wiping her damp cheeks with the back of her hand. “Oaken is a normal guy who happens to be gay. I already have something different about me,” she gestures to the woods around them, frozen by her magic, “and I didn’t want to throw this at you too.” Anna’s lips tug downwards,

“So this is about me? Elsa, different doesn’t mean bad. You and I are different in so many ways, and yet the only ones that worry you are your magic and sexuality? I know it is hard and expectations can be stifling, but trust me when I say you have nothing to be ashamed of.” _Remember this, remember her words. She wouldn’t lie to you._

“Anna, what you said about Oaken and his husband… he’s not really his husband, that isn’t allowed,” she spits out her last word as if she dislikes the taste. Her sister gives her a sly smile,

“Well, the last time I checked, you are the queen. Why don’t you just allow it? I’m sure it would make Oaken, and everyone else in our kingdom living in fear, very happy to know that their queen is on their side- when you’re ready, that is.” Elsa smiles at that, and unlike all the smiles she used to paint on to see some happiness in her reflection, this one is real.

* * *

“So… who’s the lucky lady?” Anna all but squeals, her mischievous grin stretching from ear to ear as they make their way back to camp.

“Anna! Stop that,” Elsa chides, playfully hitting her sister on the shoulder. They hear a rustling in the bushes not far up ahead, and after taking a few more strides, they see Honeymaren pacing, similarly to how Elsa paced the previous night. “Maren?” Elsa calls out, her nerves about talking to her overpowered by her concern for her wellbeing.

“Elsa!” The brunette cries out, relief relaxing her features and filling her warm brown eyes with tears. “Where have you been? You just disappeared after last night and I- I didn’t know if something happened, or if it was because of our conversation,” her words come to a halt when she notices Anna for the first time; until that point, her eyes had been focused solely on Elsa. It only takes a second for the realization to hit, and then the ginger is struggling to keep the excitement out of her voice as she excuses herself. As she passes Honeymaren, she turns back to her sister and winks. The Queen’s cheeks, usually pale as snow, turn a flustered pink.

“Maren, I’m sorry for scaring you. Truthfully, I just needed to clear my head. Anna and I talked and something she said,” she pauses, determining how much she wants to divulge. Sensing her inner struggle, Honeymaren pipes up,

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. I already know.” Her smile lights up her rich brown eyes and Elsa feels her heart warm. _She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen._ Although Elsa may never know what it means to be hot, when Honeymaren takes her hand and leads her back to camp, Elsa learns what it means to be warm all over.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please sign and share this https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/justice-george-floyd-0


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